Are You Hopeful?
Yesterday I engaged in an interesting discussion about women who are single and use sperm donation to become mothers. You can read some of the discussion on Po Bronson's blog. Po wrote a fascinating book called Why Do I Love These People. The book chronicles the challenges and triumphs of all things family.
In the middle of the debate, it occured to me that my worldview was kinda bleak. This idea bothered me when I went to bed last night. It was with me like the film on my teeth this morning. I brushed. It did not go away.
I am training myself to note when I have a overly emotional reactions. I have a habit of brooding over ideas for days often getting really angry. I used to own cat that helped me realize when I was in a funk. He would mock me for them. He would sit and stare at me. I knew in his little kitty soul he was questioning me. Okay, so maybe it was normal cat behavior!
Now that I do not have a cat, I try to examine myself when the mood hits. I usually find that the reason I am so annoyed is that there is some truth that I am missing.
So goes with the discussion of sperm donors.
I was angry at the women that would so easily toss a man out of the equation. I even posted about it on the blog and in so doing found myself writing about the evils of living in "our culture."
I know that it is proper Bibleez to speak of everyone not in our assembly as the "the world." Words have meaning. When we (followers of Christ) speak of others (non-followers) with this type language, it alienates us.
I am a sinner.
The downtown drunk is a sinner.
The church elder is a sinner.
The stripper is a sinner.
The happily married couple are sinners.
There isn't a me and a them. God loves us the same. We each have fallen short and it is only by his Grace that we can redeemed.
Okay, so having grace should fundamentally change the way I view people. I should have MORE compassion, not less. I should be MORE hopeful, not less. Isn't there a reason why they call it the Good News?
In this debate about women and sperm donors, I have not been the hopeful one. Where others saw promise for the mothers; I felt scorn.I should be full of hope for these mothers even if they choose to have children without husbands.
There is nothing more transforming than to have and raise a child. Parenthood can be the gateway for greater faith. Being a mom has helped me grasp forgiveness in a new way. My 2 year old recently tore the ALT key off my new laptop. Before being a mom, if a child had done that to my laptop, I would be writing you from a cell near Andrea Yates.
Being a mother has taught me to respect the soul of another human being. How many times have I been angry and spoken to my son with a not-too-nice voice? In that moment I see his broken spirit in his eyes and the quiver of his lip. It's those times that I fully understand my ability to mold a human being. It is humbling.
We are called to be the city on the hill. Our city should be Disneyland. It should be Disneyland, minus the long lines and $8 hamburgers. Our light that shines is one of joy, hope, and a confidence that YAWEH is in control.
In the middle of the debate, it occured to me that my worldview was kinda bleak. This idea bothered me when I went to bed last night. It was with me like the film on my teeth this morning. I brushed. It did not go away.
I am training myself to note when I have a overly emotional reactions. I have a habit of brooding over ideas for days often getting really angry. I used to own cat that helped me realize when I was in a funk. He would mock me for them. He would sit and stare at me. I knew in his little kitty soul he was questioning me. Okay, so maybe it was normal cat behavior!
Now that I do not have a cat, I try to examine myself when the mood hits. I usually find that the reason I am so annoyed is that there is some truth that I am missing.
So goes with the discussion of sperm donors.
I was angry at the women that would so easily toss a man out of the equation. I even posted about it on the blog and in so doing found myself writing about the evils of living in "our culture."
I know that it is proper Bibleez to speak of everyone not in our assembly as the "the world." Words have meaning. When we (followers of Christ) speak of others (non-followers) with this type language, it alienates us.
I am a sinner.
The downtown drunk is a sinner.
The church elder is a sinner.
The stripper is a sinner.
The happily married couple are sinners.
There isn't a me and a them. God loves us the same. We each have fallen short and it is only by his Grace that we can redeemed.
Okay, so having grace should fundamentally change the way I view people. I should have MORE compassion, not less. I should be MORE hopeful, not less. Isn't there a reason why they call it the Good News?
In this debate about women and sperm donors, I have not been the hopeful one. Where others saw promise for the mothers; I felt scorn.I should be full of hope for these mothers even if they choose to have children without husbands.
There is nothing more transforming than to have and raise a child. Parenthood can be the gateway for greater faith. Being a mom has helped me grasp forgiveness in a new way. My 2 year old recently tore the ALT key off my new laptop. Before being a mom, if a child had done that to my laptop, I would be writing you from a cell near Andrea Yates.
Being a mother has taught me to respect the soul of another human being. How many times have I been angry and spoken to my son with a not-too-nice voice? In that moment I see his broken spirit in his eyes and the quiver of his lip. It's those times that I fully understand my ability to mold a human being. It is humbling.
We are called to be the city on the hill. Our city should be Disneyland. It should be Disneyland, minus the long lines and $8 hamburgers. Our light that shines is one of joy, hope, and a confidence that YAWEH is in control.
posted by Andreia Huff at 5:19 AM
9 Comments:
Wow. What a subject?!
You certainly picked a good one to brood on.
These women are certainly placing themselves in a lesser of two evils quandry. To go on without ever parenting would be awful, but to parent alone from day 1 would seem much worse to me. For everyone.
I would suspect that is why God put up barricades to keep us from such a situation.
Do you think it is wrong to still disagree with the practice, but in a hopeful way?
(I tried to post earlier and failed. Interestingly, another site I frequent had exactly the same problem, with exactly the same challenge word. It seems to have been domain wide, and centered around that one challenge word. Oh well, the problem is gone now, and good riddance.)
The non-posting problems were common and web-wide, it appears.
Smenita
Codepoke
I keep tossing around your question and can't come to an answer. I have stored it with some of those other biggies.
To be or not to be?
Where did all the socks go?
I promise to work on it as soon as I can find my stupid (oops! Is that REALLY a bad word??) keys.
Maybe the answer to the question doesn't matter as much as what it brought to your table--and mine.
Hmmm....
Fair enough. Thanks for the thoughts.
Codepoke
I have come to the idea that it might be more important for me to try to understand rather than to assess right or wrong.(I know you are thinking Im headed down a slippery slope here!)
I understand how parenting can be much easier when you are the sole decision-maker.
There is some research that suggests when men divorce they are more deliberate and thoughtful in the amount and quality of time that they spend with their children. Could the same be true for these women? I dont know.
What I do know is that these women need more support than most. Like widows, they need the input of well-meaning, God-fearing men and women in the lives of their children.
I have a friend who is well into her 40s. She adopted two girls from China despite never finding a husband. I can not deny that she is a first-rate mother.
So maybe, it is not whether or not we agree with what these women have chosen, but if we are willing and able to support them in the most important job in the world.
Thanks for replying! I hope that you will understand if I go on for a little while here. The subject means a lot to me.
it might be more important for me to try to understand
Hey! You'll get no fight from me on this part of the discussion. These women are people, and they are doing this because of deep-seated desires. This is no casual thing. They need and deserve our understanding.
There is nothing more transforming than to have and raise a child.
Amen. Becoming a father was probably the single most transforming event of my life. I do wish for everyone this blessing.
Where others saw promise for the mothers; I felt scorn.
I cannot know how you felt, but I hope that scorn for those women is not what you really mean here. My heart goes out to them, as I am sure yours did too. What kind of pain must they be going through to make such a momentous decision?
You mention anger. Anger is not scorn, and I think anger is appropriate. Anger is the emotion of motivation. Anger does something. Anger finds your closest friend, and shakes her until she sees better answers. There is a place for anger, or God would not express it so often.
I have single parented for 2 years now. My kids were 14 and 15 when my wife left. They are now 16 and 17, so the days when parenting took a lot of my time are slowly fading into the past, but it's all still pretty recent to me.
Single parenting is inferior.
It's not evil. It's not always depressing, though often it is. It's not without joy. It's even effective.
It is still vastly inferior. No doubt. No question. I don't care how much better I parent now than I did before the divorce. I don't care how involved their mom is (she lives 1 mile away, and we enforced visitation until it became natural for the one who resisted it.) Even the dual-single parenting that we are doing is measurably, disgustingly inferior.
My children get less from each of us than they ever did before. They get horribly less than they did when we were together. The whole of the family was more than the sum of its parts. My kids may argue against my analysis some day. That's alright. I knew them when they had 2 parents, and I know them now. I don't cry about the divorce any more. Thinking about the changes for those kids can still do me in.
The thought that a parent-to-be might do that to a child makes me angry. I will be intractably against this.
I am not against the woman who is pregnant artificially. I would buy a gift for her baby shower. I would smile and praise her little darling when she is born. I would help with the babysitting, and etc. I would applaud her courage. Of mistakes, this is not the worst. She could have married pond-scum, and "been holy" about it. I get that, and I respect the fact that she didn't.
And the next girl to suggest the idea to me, will STILL get every bit of discouragement I can muster.
We all make mistakes. We all sin. We have to live with each other and support each other through devastation that's our own fault. My divorce was my fault (50% my fault, but back to the point.) I needed my friends to rally around me and keep me breathing when that divorce came, not distance themselves from my sin. Praise God they did. It was my fault, and they stood by me anyway. But, they never told me to make the same mistake again.
Even so, it is right to quietly stand against this intentional single parenting, and yet support the parent. It is right to understand the pain that moves a woman to this decision, and it is also right to stand against it.
The world cannot offer optimism without discarding truth. The church offers something better than optimism. We offer Christ, and Christ brings redemption. Redemption trumps optimism because it is real.
Thanks again for posting your thoughts on this. I appreciate the heart and sincerity you put out there with it, and respect the direction in which you are growing.
May the Lord bless!
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